I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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