sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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