I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
