I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
