oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
