The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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