Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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