I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
