my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
