Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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