so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
