mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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