She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
