If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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