Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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