just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I will die if light touches me.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
