how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
