Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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