I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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