I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Pooping to opera.
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