you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
