did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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