i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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