I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
