god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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