I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
they need to just BURY HIM!
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
