this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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