I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
