Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
