dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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