So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
