I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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