tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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