my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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