we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
