My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
