i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
