I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
