I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
