I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
