i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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