Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
