Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
