went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
