a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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