I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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