sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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