Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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