So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
