my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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